Mikey Boom

Urban Survival Tip #77

• Don’t get into a fight with a Homeless person.

Homeless people can be the crudest, meanest, rudest people you will encounter in this jungle. However much you feel like punching these toothless wonders in their face, DON’T!  Don’t ever get into a fight with a bum!  Why? Well one reason is Rabies.  Another reason is the fact that they have nothing to lose.  They will fight dirty and to the bitter end and you don’t need to be involved in that.  Trust me, I think some of these people deserve a major ass kicking but hold back because it’s not worth it.  And you KNOW this Mannnn!

Urban Survival Tip #78

• That’s Not Apple Juice

Next time you’re standing in the subway please take this into consideration. The guy layin on the bench is a bum and that stuff in the corner of the car is not, I repeat, not apple juice.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #79

• Staying Dry, Staying dorky

No, these are not gay military boots.  Urbanites are known to wear these ridiculous plastic rain rubbers at the sheer threat of a drizzle or a dark cloud.  Unbeknown to them, these lovely poka-doted granny kicks ran out of style faster than MC Hammer ran out of money. Don’t lose your cool, wet toes never hurt anybody.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #80

• Put Your Hands on the Salad and Step Away From the Meat 

Unlike the rest of the city, street meat has a particularly attractive aroma but don’t be fooled! Everything that glitters isn’t gold and if it smells too good to be true, well that’s because it is. Save yourself thousands of dollars in gastrologist charges and step away from the goat meat.

Urban Survivor Tip #81

• The end is not that near

No matter what kind of loony you may meet in the subway or on the street be sure of the fact that none of them can tell the furture. No matter what their sign says.  In fact, there are only 2 people in the world who truly know when the world is going to end and they are not talking. But if you ever see Michael J. Fox and/or Christopher Lloyd carrying a sign that says “the end is near” than kiss your 1.21 jiggawatt ass goodbye.    

Urban Survival Tip #82

• Don’t befriend the driver

Taxi cab drivers are commonly known to have first and last names consisting of multiple consonants strung with no particular rhyme or reason other than to trip you up when trying to call them by their name. Do yourself a favor and refrain from trying to get extra friendly with cabby Keirch Vfsechetrakf on your short trip. You’ll just end up embarrassing yourself.

Urban Survival Tip #83

• Be careful who you sit with

At all times be aware that the man sitting next to you or across from you in the subway could possibly be the next Nobel Peace Prize Winner or could hold the answer to the world’s energy crisis. On the other hand, that person could also be a crazed serial killer who eats live raccoons and dresses like the golden girls while making love to a sock puppet named Beauregard. I’m just saying, I’m just saying…

Urban Survival Tip #84

God is Running Out of Extras in the Movie of Your Life

With are so many people in this urban jungle you would think that seeing the same stranger twice in one say would be a rare occurrence. Well think again. In NYC it is not unusual to see the person who sat next to you in the subway this morning, also working at the grocery store later that day and even later that night, you might find the same person again but now he/she is driving the cab you take back to your apartment after a few drinks with your friends.  It is almost as if god is running out of extras in the movie of your life and continues to cycle these actors in at different parts of the film.

Urban Survival Tip #85

• Beware of the Queens

The urban jungle of NYC is full of people. Women, men, children, women who are men, men who are children. It can all get very confusing at times. Transvestites specifically are a tricky business. They might look better in makeup and high heels than any woman you have ever seen but buyer beware, that’s not a banana in their mini shirt they are just very happy to see you. If confronted by a trans-gendered friend play it like the Fonz…coooool and as soon as they turn they heavily mascaraed eyes away from you, rush like fat girl in a cupcake eating contest. If left unchecked Transvestites can cause irreparable damage to you manhood than therefore all confrontations should be avoided at all cost. I would also like to add that most trannies are just plain weird and take pleasure in creating uncomfortably awkward moments.

Urban Survival Tip #86

• Beware of the mystery juice

It is not uncommon to be bombarded by “mystery liquids” when waiting for your subway or when walking under scaffoldings. Scientists have yet to discover the nature of these mysterious juices or their origin but they have establish that they are disgusting and may very well cause gonorrhea of the face and ass. Additionally, many believe these mystery urban jungle juices to be more disgusting than french kissing a mexican midget or even taking a bubble bath with Gary Coleman.  Avoid these Ebola virus carrying mystery juices at all costs!