Mikey Boom

Urban Survival Tip #87

• How to Compliment an NYC Girl

Please be aware this is a dangerous and unmapped territory of the urban jungle which I will now feebly attempt to provide advice on. Basically what I’m saying is, proceed at your own risk. There are several key issues you should try to stay away from when attempting this dangerous feat. First and foremost, the “weight” issue. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, compliment an NYC girl with “You look thinner, have you lost weight?” At first this seems like a good enough compliment but a closer look reveals that this compliment makes you vulnerable to attack. If you tell an NYC girl that she looks thinner she will in turn reply with “So you’re telling me that I looked fat before?” and believe me, this is not a path you wish to travel down. In fact, stay away from similar compliments that leave you open for attack by comparison of hair color, clothing, or even how she smells. The best (safest) compliment to make to an NYC girl is simple, factual, and complete. The compliment must be accurate and truthful as well as short and sweet. The compliment should also try to be as unique as possible. Mentioning something obvious will most likely get you killed. Here are some examples that might keep you alive: If a girl makes a joke you could say something like, “You’re hilarious” or “Wow that was really funny”. If a girl has nice teeth you might want to use a higher level compliment such as “You have a beautiful smile”. Lastly, if you truly mean it, the classic compliment “You look beautiful” might get you out of some sticky situations. Please note: compliments only work if you mean them and finding the one to say at the right time takes years of dedicated training. Good Luck and Godspeed!

Urban Survival Tip #88

• Beware of Odd Bathroom Behavior

There are approximately 8 million people in this urban jungle we call New York City.   At any particular time one quarter of them can be found using a public rest room. Not only is it common place to hear a musical concerto when ever you enter this sacred place (the guy playing the trumpet is always off key) but it can also be common place to notice odd behavior such as the creation of toilet paper curtains and bathroom seat squatting. If confronted face-to-face with an indigenous toilet seat squatter remember to remain calm, avoid direct eye contact, finish, shake and wash your hands. Natives that exhibit this behavior are usually have little or low self-esteem and pose no threat.  The locals referred to them as “losers” and/or “weirdos”.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #89

• Shack up with a Ranger Fan

Miss your last train out of NYC? No problem. Ranger fans consistently miss their last trains our of NYC as well. Mainly due to heavy drinking. It’s easy to shack up with one of these tribes of beer bellied blue collard beats to pass the time until the next train. The main thing to remember here is to speak of Messier or Gretzky as if they are God. Experienced Ranger fans are know for the cardboard bed making skills. To fashion a bed out of cardboard, it always works best to pretend you are homeless.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #90

• Beware of children

Although small and unable to complete full sentences city children can be one of the dangerous species to confront in any urban jungle.  Beware of their sharp teeth and ability to get whatever they want at a single cry.  One tip to keep in mind when approached by urbanite children, they are close to the ground and can bite your ankle at lightning speeds but their balance is not very good and with one solid push they almost always topple over.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #91

• Beware of your surroundings at all times

An early morning jog in the park is a great way to kick start your metabolism and start your day off right.  Fellow urbanites see jogging as a healthy alternative to spending long hours at the gym.  While urban jogging may be invigorating, please remember one thing: joggers are always the first to spot the dead bodies.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #92

• Stay Dry with Style

During thunderstorms urbanites have been know to fashion rain-shields out of any and all material. Most commonly used in New York City is the “plastic bag poncho” and the ” briefcase umbrella”.

To make a plastic bag poncho you need:

1. A plastic bag.

2. A complete absence of shame.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #93

• Small Door of Opportunity

If traveling underground be sure to maintain proper subway social etiquette among the urbanites. When entering or exiting subway car be aware that you have a window of opportunity of 3 seconds or less to move your body completely in or out of the car before the doors close on your head and train takes off. Try sneezing and coughing frantically so that people around you think you have a disease reminiscent of Ebola and clear away from you. The added room will give you an extra advantage. Remember to “stay clear of the closing doors please”.

Urban Survival Tip #94

• Beware of attacking pigeons

Scientist have yet to uncover the suicidal nature behind some New York City Pigeons. These kamikaze fowls are known to fly directly at your face as you cross busy intersections or exit local Starbucks. Best suggestion here: proceed with caution or flail you’re arms wildly as if you were on fire.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #95

• Barter Selectively

Giving all the street performers you encounter $1.00 is a surefire way to enter early bankruptcy. Be selective, only tip true talent like the a naked cowboy playing a guitar, random subway Christmas quartets, or maybe that guy who plays the harmonica, the banjo, a tambourine and sings all while smoking a joint.

URBAN SURVIVAL TIP #96

• Drink plenty of Liquids

If invited to celebrate with the local villagers remember to stay hydrated at all times. Alcoholic and hallucinogenic substances are commonly used by villagers in celebration rituals.